


Aishiteru masaka ne sonna koto ienai (I can't say stuff like 'I love you')

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Angst, Guilt, Introspection, Lies, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-16 02:49:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14802923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “You love him, don’t you?”Those words had been enough.





	Aishiteru masaka ne sonna koto ienai (I can't say stuff like 'I love you')

_“You love him, don’t you?”_

Those words had been enough.

Ryosuke had always thought he was a little less predictable, that he could hide himself pretty good.

He had always thought he could put a mask on what he felt, or conceal behind excuses he always had ready at occurrence.

But he hadn't been able to do just that, not in that case.

Yuto had pulled out of him abruptly, almost as if he was glad he had finally reached an orgasm and he could lay next to him, as if being on top of him bothered him.

And then he had asked that question, one of those that didn’t want an answer, and Ryosuke had frozen.

He loved him, didn’t he?

Yuto was next to him, the sheets covering him up to his hips, and his eyes on the wall in front of him.

He had said nothing else, nor Ryosuke had tried any form of contact.

He could only hear his breathing, and he thought he saw him frown, scowl, and he could perfectly understand the reason behind it.

But he wasn’t going to cave so easily. Deny, always deny.

He shifted the weight on the other side of the bed, resting a hand on his hip and his chin on the younger’s arm, almost expecting to be pushed away.

But Yuto let him, and not because of any affection but for a wish to ignore him, or at least that’s what Yamada thought.

He sighed, sitting up and pulling on his wrist.

“Yuto, look at me.” he said, low, biting on his lower lip.

The other kept still for a moment, then he sighed as well and sat up, without looking him in the eyes.

“What?” he asked, rude.

Ryosuke forced a smile on his face, taking his hands in his own.

He had always liked Yuto’s hands. They were big, manly. He liked to feel them on himself, feel them caress him, feel them wanting to touch his skin.

It was one of the things he loved the most about him.

“I should be the one asking ‘what’, shouldn’t I?” he said, still smiling. “What does it mean, what you’ve said before?”

Ryosuke knew what he was risking, he knew it far too well. But he wasn’t willing to cave over something he had spent years lying about, not even then, not even if Yuto were to corner him.

The two of them had started this a few months ago.

It had begun as sex, at least for him; as they had kept seeing each other perhaps it had become something more, and as much as he doubted it was love, he wouldn’t have wanted to hurt Yuto.

Sex didn’t matter, he was still one of his best friends, even though under those circumstances he never knew how to prove it to him.

“You know why I said that, Ryo. Let’s not kid ourselves, come on... it’s been going on like this for months, for months I’ve been sleeping with you, hoping to see you a little more involved, to see that something’s changed between us... but nothing happened, and we both know why.” he took a deep breath, lowering his eyes. “You have fun, don’t you? You have fun letting me believe something’s going to change, you play at making me say yes whenever you catch me on things I’m weak about...” he took his face in his hand, a gesture so delicate, clashing with the voice he had used. “And I’m weak to you, you know that. I have no troubles admitting to something so obvious, while apparently you just can't.”

Ryosuke kept looking at him.

He knew what he was talking about, and he had to admit he was right.

“Yuto... that’s not how I want you to see it. I don’t want you to feel that I'm distant, I don’t want you to think I don’t care about you. I love  you, Yuto, I do. I’ve been telling you for months, and I don’t understand why you keep doubting me. Believe me, Yu. There’s no one else in my mind, no one I think about that’s not you.” he said, trying to keep his expression neutral, trying to sound as convincing as possible, that his voice wasn’t going to tremble, that his eyes didn’t betray him.

Nakajima hesitated, and it showed.

He almost seemed to believe him, he _wanted_ to believe him, because it would've been easier on both of them if the elder’s words had been true.

“Swear it to me, Ryo.” he murmured, low. “Swear that it’s true you love him, that I'm the one imagining things, that you’re not lying to me. Swear.”

And Ryosuke knew this was his last chance, the chance to keep whole a friendship that had been going on for years, to not ruin a love that might’ve been born under different circumstances, under a different way of seeing things.

It was his last chance, and he wasted it with no regrets.

“I swear. I love you, Yuto.”

Perhaps the smile on the younger’s face, sincere for once, should’ve paid him back for the weight on his chest, but it wasn’t like that.

So he chose not to think about it, he chose to climb back on top of him, he chose to let Yuto take him again, and again, and again, until he was exhausted, until he felt his body give in to tiredness, and just then he allowed himself to lay down, letting Yuto rest his head against his chest, caressing him, allowing him yet another ‘I love you’.

The other fell asleep quickly, nothing to bother him anymore.

And he stayed awake a while longer, unable to properly sleep, as if he couldn’t run from his thoughts and his faults.

Ryosuke played.

He played at making him say yes because he knew him too well, because he knew how to deal with him, he knew he was his only weakness and he had aimed on that until he had won that game.

He held him close, feeling tears press to come out, but he didn’t cave.

He was good at lying, after all, just like he had always thought.

He closed his eyes and tried to sleep, while in his mind he imagined that what he felt against his body, was the skin of Chinen Yuri.


End file.
